I go home for Christmas in just ten days. That means I've been here for sixty-five days. I don't know to process that other than it's been sixty-five days. Not a long time in some sense, but really vast in another view. Over break I'll be doing a few things. One is to write at least one of the essays due next spring. There's four of them so might as well knock out one or two while I have the time. The second is to just regroup and think about just what I can see myself doing with whatever degree I get from my time here.
I know that I don't want to do purely academics for the rest of my life. I just don't get enough from it, it's in no way creative enough for me. All the politics and appeasement and conferences... over the long haul it'd be too much bullshit for my tastes. And I don't think working within university alone will be right for what I want to do. I was discussing this with a friend of mine doing a masters in biology back home. The enthusiasm for a scientific subject, at least for he and I, can be quelled pretty quickly by all the nonsense surrounding it. It seems the most exciting learning happens adjacent to the classroom, never within it. It happened at Rutgers, it's happening to him at Villanova, and to some degree it's happening here. There's been virtually no bullshit here yet, but I'm not naive to what may lie ahead either.
I haven't judged either way my circumstances here, I just am trying to expect only what I'm given, and that's worked quite nicely. But for now there's been no such problems here. At all. Quite the contrary, the professors thus far are devoid of pretenses and are generously helpful and open to suggestions. There's real connections to be made and not a lot of intimidation crap. It's refreshing compared to what I saw in the morbid faculties back at RU-C. It's nice. And I think I will be able to really put some of my ideas to task in the essays coming up. So that's exciting. It's invigorating. I think I'll be able to do something pretty neat with the MA and PhD dissertations (assuming I'm still here for the PhD!). Whether anyone will accept them, I don't know. I just think I might be able to write something I'll be rather proud of.
The real point is I just want to use the program as a platform to say things that I want to say. I'll do it respectfully as to make a good contribution to the department here. Will I continue to work my way up the ladder afterward? I don't know. It's too early to say. But the adventurous- if not occasionally impetuous- side of me is saying no.
I know the one thing that will always be of most eminence for me is writing. Fiction writing. I don't know how many people will ever read what I'm trying to put together here, but as long as a few do- and connect with it- I'll be pleased. It's the thing that gets me going the most; trying to balance a fun story with nice twists and turns along with something meaningful to say. The fiction to me is sort of a vehicle to get out the ideas I'm thinking about here at university in a broader, more exciting way. I suppose that's the definition of science-fiction. It's the vision of myself I've had in my head for a few years now. It's why I was so willing to leave academics for good just a year ago; the degrees didn't mean much to me anymore. Still... if I can get the PhD here, not only will I have the title, I will also be able to say I did it, and I'll be able to make a contribution to the non-fiction as well. It will be something I can use if I pursue a path towards working with people.
Once I'm done at Essex I'd be very happy with the following scenario, at least for a few years: I get the PhD here, become an ad-junct professor for some school out in Dutch Country Pennsylvania, and get my fiction published. I'd be quite happy with that. I'd get to teach in the purest way (devoid of a lot of the politicking), connect with people, and have my passionate pursuits hopefully fuel the rest- hopefully in a way that yields the greatest satisfaction. The key though is to actually have material to get anything out there. And to do that, I need to- and I will- continue to keep writing while I'm here in merry England. So we'll see what happens.
This is the last real week of classes; next week one of the classes is cancelled and the other three are mainly reviews. But the next two days will be pretty busy, some meetings and a good amount of readings. For 75 days it feels like an awfully quick term. I can say I've learned quite a bit, or at the very least I see my position philosophically a lot clearer than I did two months ago. I suppose that's what this is all about anyways. Weaving what you see, so others can see it as well....
Just have to write about.
****
Five other thoughts:
1. I'm going to be chauvinistic and say it: it's great finding other Americans here. The irreverence, the sarcasm, the irony... there's no other mindset that comes close. I have to really clip my language around some Brits, because I entirely lose them with American slang. It really is at times a totally different language. But when you're hanging out with someone who thinks its funny when you reference the Jersey Turnpike, you know you've found common ground.
2. I watched the Sky Sports telecast of the NFL games the other day. Since it's for the UK and Europe, they're assuming the viewer doesn't know much about American Football. They cover topics like "what's more fun: an interception or a sack?" When critiquing the destitute QB play of Vince Young, one analyst said "We talked to Joe Montana, and he said being a quarterback takes hard work. And you have to wonder if Vince Young does the hard work." Very insightful stuff. But that aside, even the UK Broadcasters knew to point out: "You know, it makes absolutely no sense that you would make your offensive line coach the defensive coordinator. I dare say there's a lot of angry chaps in Philadelphia." Sorry Andy, even the UK knows you fucked up.
As an aside, they also referred to Desean Jackson as a "unhappy bunny."
3. When I get picked up Thursday night from Newark International, I will, at some point, request that I take the wheel. I won't have driven for 76 days by then. I need to see if I can still do it.
4. I got what essentially amounts to a B on that performative essay. Disappointed but can't say I'm surprised. It was pretty shitty. Fortunately doesn't count for anything. I'll go over it with my adviser tomorrow morning.
5. Sometimes it's nice to keep in touch with people. See? I admit it.
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